It’s been almost three months since I left. It’s hard to tell what the right decision is. I think there is no steady right decision, it’s all based on a moment. Where you are and what’s going on at the time. He was hurting me physically, so I left.
A year ago I was desperately hanging onto him. I didn’t want him to leave. He wanted to leave, but he wanted to make sure he got his papers first. It left me in a tough spot. I still had to be married to the person that was hurting me. He was married emotionally, and he wanted to go off with other women and do whatever he wanted. Even though I wanted it to work out between us at the time, I told myself it would hurt to leave, but it would hurt more to stay. When you leave, days go by without having that misery slammed in your face. When you stay, it’s torture. Why should you have to be a crazy woman to make sure the person you’re married to keeps his promise. This is what made me hate marriage. I never wanted to be the paranoid girl. Ever since then I can always understand a bitchy, crazy lady. I understand what got her to that point.
Maybe I shouldn’t hate marriage because of a bad experience with one person. Maybe there are honest people that wouldn’t make me hate myself the way he did, but the idea that people that great do exist sounds so impossible. Then again, maybe I’m still in the hurt phase. Maybe this feeling will pass and I will move on to believe that there is a such thing as a good marriage and someone to help me make that dream come true.
Do these things really exist? Or is this a fairytale that we like to believe in like Gods and horoscopes? If it does, that’s lovely and I hope to one day experience it. If not, I can see how that is, and I wouldn’t want to make another attempt to fool myself.