Do you ever feel like something is missing? Something isn’t the same and you don’t quite know what it is?
It’s like I forgot about someone or something somewhere along the way. Like I got too caught up in my temporarily busy schedule, that at a time like now, when I’m free I don’t quite remember what it is I used to dwell on.
I look at my maiden name and see a completely different person. Someone I want to wash away. Not that it was a bad person, just that, I don’t know. It’s like I appreciate that person, but I would like to kidnap her and keep her locked away inside my memory, somewhere no one else can ever find her. I’m sure many people want to do that with their past. Not that we are ashamed of what we’ve done, that doesn’t have to be the case. It’s just that, we aren’t those people anymore. And at some point, we got busy and didn’t realize we changed, so it’s hard for us to understand how person A became person B. Maybe we’re really person C and never knew it when we were person B.
I don’t hate being person C, but this person still has ties to those who surrounded person A. Even though we have nothing in common. Maybe that’s the answer. What is missing? The connection to the surroundings of person A is missing, or maybe I am missing because I am not person A, I am person C.
I don’t remember who said it or when I heard it, it may have been in a movie somewhere, but it was something about hair cuts and life changes. When a woman changes her hair, she is about to change her life. It sounds silly, but it’s true. It’s like when we change our inside identity, we want to change the outside as well. There’s this medical thing I read years ago. When you have an extreme psychological problem, your body may show it in a physical form such as a rash or pain. We, in the same way, want to show a in physical form that there is a change. We let the world know that something is different.
I feel like overtime I get bored with my life, I decide I am bored with my hair. I know this sounds like such a girl thing, but let it be. I get bored, and I chop all my hair off. My thinking process changes. Like in college when I died my hair red, permanently and then had to take it out when it started fading after a week. I had hair confusion because of the constant need to keep up with it to take me back to my natural color. It took almost two years to get back to my dark blonde. I felt like I lost myself in a moment and it took two years to straighten out my thoughts and become myself again. But I wasn’t myself again, these were the person B days. Once I had my color back, along with my personality, I was person C.
You miss characteristics of the persons you used to be, but at the same time you’re satisfied with who you are. It’s an appreciation for persons A and B, and also the change. Person A could never handle the responsibilities of person C. Person C could never keep up with the emotional instability of person A.
Side Note: Ignore the half French, half English title, I just felt like it.